Saying Goodbye

Yesterday the bad news came in. The news you are never ready to hear. I was at work and heard my cell phone ringing. Doesn't happen too often so I am always curious to see who is on the other line. I just missed it but saw it was Bryce. Immediately I get butterflies. Wonder what is going on. Bryce doesn't call that often. I wait for the voicemail beep and listen. He is upset, my heart drops. My phone rings again, its Bryce. "Hello, what's going on?" long pause "Todd died today" "Whhhhhhat, what do you mean, my brother Todd?" "Yes", "NO, no he didn't", "yes he is gone". I could immediately feel all the color in my face leave. I didn't know what to say. You are never prepared to get news like this.
I am still in a bit of shock and disbelief. This is hard and I want to believe that it is not true.

Todd was a good guy. He had a big heart. He was sensitive and emotional. He was always good for a big hug. He liked to joke (especially about the Monkeys at the Zoo) and he LOVED to fish (especially with Damon)

I think Todd's greatest joy was when he was reunited with his daughter Kierra about 2 years ago. He was one proud daddy watching her graduate. And for many years he always hoped that he would get to see her again. I'm so happy that it happened in this lifetime. I only wish that his other 2 boys would have come around.

Life was never easy for Todd. He struggled with bad choices and different addictions and we had our differences throughout the years. We crossed a rough road a few years ago and we didn't speak often. The last time I talked to him was when Myles was born 8 months ago and he called me to say Congrats. And even when Todd heard that Matt lost his job and I was asking people to give me diapers for Myles for my birthday because I didn't know what we were going to do....Todd only had $5.00 to his name and he said "Its my last $5.00 I would gladly give it to her if it will help" He was unemployed himself.

I know that he was so happy when Luke was born not quite 2 years ago. He was happy to have a chance to watch one of his children grow. And he was happy to be a Grandpa when Alexyce was born. It breaks my heart for the both of them that it has ended before it really has even begun.

I just hope that Todd knows that even through all the nonsense and tough times that I loved him. I always wanted good things for him. I think and hope that somewhere in his mind that he knew this. It definately was tough love. But it was still love.

When someone dies so unexpectedly I guess it is normal to have some guilt and some what if's, or if I had only done this...... Like I said I guess you are never really prepared for news like this. He was going to be 42 in January. His son turns 2 in February.

I will never forget the hours we would spend in the card aisles reading and laughing at all the cards. And I will certainly never forget the time at the Hogle Zoo (you never did stop laughing about that) or the time when you came upstairs wearing that tight orange shirt just to get back at me for something I had said to you. That was a good laugh. I will never forget the time you were late coming into Portland "because your luggage had gotten lost" ;) and I won't forget the time that we went fishing on the Snake river and Eric hooked Debbie in the lip and mom shouted out " Fish on" . I won't forget the time that you let Damon and I come over to your apartment when you lived behind the bar and you told us all about the ghosts that lived there and then we went into the bar to see if we could find some. That was so scary and so funny. We had some good laughs. You taught me how to cook scrabbled eggs and hooked me on one of my favorite food combinations, cottage cheese and potato chips.

This saddens my heart to see you leave this life so early. I hope that you are at peace now and with Grandma and Grandpa somewhere in Heaven. And I hope that you will do good works in the after life.

I will miss you and please know that I love you.

P/L/F - Heather

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