With the death of my grandmother still fresh, only being 3 weeks ago, I at times find myself being heartbroken. Since returning from the funeral services I have done pretty well when thinking about my grandparents. I am happy with the thought of them finally being together again. In my mind grandma and grandpa were perfection in all they did and all that they shared. I have thought about them often, but today when I was thinking about them and different memories that I had, I found myself being very emotional and I haven't had that since coming home from Idaho. And as I continued to think and wonder why I was so sad today I remembered that today is the 3rd year since my grandpa passed away. I thought about being there during that time and the sight of death and the memory it burned in my mind is terrifying. I did not see him at the actual moment that he took his last breath but I was right outside the door and I was the first one that grandma came to tell. I remember having mixed emotions about being there. I didn't want to see him so weak and so sick however being able to talk to him those last few times and remind him how much I loved him were priceless. I miss him, but I still remember him and how loving and kind and tender he was.
As my grandmother became very ill and we knew that her time was near I chose not to go and see her one more time in her moment of weakness. Although I regret not calling in time to talk to her one more time, I didn't feel that she would want us all to stand around her and see her so sick. I don't know if it was the right choice but I do know she knew how much I loved her. I marvel at how graceful she was and how understanding and patient and talented she always was. Even in her last hour she was not afraid. She was ready and she just said how much she would miss everyone. I still have to chuckle at the last time that I did talk to her which was about 2 weeks before her passing and I asked her how she felt. She said, "Ok, she did not have any pain. She could tell that something in her lungs felt different but that was all. She said you know when my expiration date is up it is up, we all come with one." and that is just the way she felt.
There is change that comes with their death. The items that they owned are going to be divided and the house where all things for me were happy and good is going to be put up for sale. It was so hard to stand in their house on the day I was leaving Idaho and think that this was probably going to be the last time that I was going to be able to go there. I can't stand the thought of another family living there. I would rather it sit empty, but I know that they wouldn't want that. They would want another family to be happy there. If there were jobs for us to go to, Matt and I would move our family back there to live in the house that my grandfather built. Change is so hard to accept.
I am sad at the idea that neither grandma or grandpa will be here to hold my unborn child in their arms. I loved to watch grandma with Keegan and he loved her. I think back to the 3 big events of my life and how grandpa wasn't able to be with me. When I graduated from highschool grandpa was having heart problems and couldn't make it, when I got married Oregon was too far for them to travel and grandpa was ill, and when I had my first baby grandpa was already gone. I was fortunate to have grandma.
But even with that there are so many times when they were able to be with me. They were there for every birthday and even when I moved away grandpa always remembered to call. I got to have many Sunday dinners with them. We shared many holidays together. Grandpa always played Santa Clause for us and Grandma made us special heart cookies with pink frosting for valentines day. We got to enjoy many delicious pumpkin pies, big bowls of popcorn and big bowls of rice pudding. I can still hear grandpa's voice when he would call me "his little Heather", and I can hear grandmas voice as she answered the phone "Garner's". We were even so lucky to have grandma fly to Oregon to celebrate Keegan's first birthday party with us. I was so happy that she made the trip it really meant a lot to me. So many precious times with them. How fortunate we are that grandma would make us a quilt for graduating from highschool and hand stitch a quilt when we got married. And how lucky are we that she would crochett an aphgan for each great grandbaby that was born. The last count I got was 72 I think. Even when she died she had a half crochetted blanket sitting on the side table for one of my cousins. Even though I am sad I think about the reunion my grandparents must have had three weeks ago and I try to think about the happiness they both must have felt. As hard as it is for those of us that are left here on earth I believe that they are together and happy and they will be there when it is our time to join them. I choose to believe that they will be holding my babies spirit as it gets ready to come to this earth to be born to us. As one of the talks mentioned, they are there preparing the way and getting things ready for us to one day come back home.
I know they both knew how special they were to me and how very much I looked up to them and loved them. They were great examples and I am lucky to have had the many special times with them. I will miss them both very very much for as long as I shall live. But their memory will stay alive. I love you Grandma and Grandpa Garner. Love, Your little Heather.
